Wisdom For Our Time
Great bits of wisdom for our time:
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house,”
Lewis Grizzard
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
Jeff Foxworthy
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
Bob Ettinger
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
Richard Jeni
“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”
Warren Hutcherson
“Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress…But I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain
“Ah, yes, divorce……., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet,”
Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Author Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey
Stupid Labels
Have you ever seen any of these Stupid Labels?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy !)
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Geeez,but that’s the only time I have to work on my hair !)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special ???)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(…and that is how ?!?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s *just* a suggestion !!!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(Just one ? )
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late…You lose !!!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are they sure ???)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But that would save time & ummm whose body ?)
On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
( Yea… keep sick 5 year olds home from work & off the streets !?!?!)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope !)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets ! What’s for dinner ???)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space… or underground ???)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Ok… now I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Sheeesh… this one speaks for itself !)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Oh PUHHHLEEEZE !!!)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Can you believe thes stupid labels…
Super Bowl Seat
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This in incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
You gotta love his commitment!!!
Walmart Job Interview
Jennifer a manager at WalMart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer . ‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.
‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer . ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer , stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a WalMart near you!
Hello Mum
I hope you enjoy this “Hello Mum” story.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, ‘I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.’
He answered, ‘That’s okay.’
‘I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mum’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.’
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, ‘Goodbye, Mum.’
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someones day, he went to pay for his groceries.
‘That comes to $121.85,’ said the clerk.
‘How come so much … I only bought 5 items..’
The clerk replied, ‘Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.’
Don’t trust little Old Ladies!!!
hello mum
hello mum hello mum hello mum hello mum
Funny Pictures
These funny pictures should make you laugh.
funny pictures
Click here to see the rest.
funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures funny pictures
Hyundai Ad
Warning! Due to strong language, this video is rated “R”
View it at your own risk…
Hyundai Ad Hyundai Ad Hyundai Ad Hyundai Ad
Lifeline
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin’ call center in Afghanistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
lifeline
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Lifeline Lifeline Lifeline Lifeline Lifeline Lifeline
lifeline
How Many Frogs
How many frogs does this kid have???
how many frogs
New Soup For You
Here is a new soup for you.
Available soon at a “re-distribution” center near you . . .
delicious when served with “ACORN” squash!
WARNING: Consumption may have a need for “Joe the Plumber”!
If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone,
You Are Part Of The Problem
new soup for you
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