Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, What are Commandments?
And the Lord said, They are rules for living.
Can you give us an example? Thou shall not kill.
Not kill? We’re not interested..
So He went to the Blacks and said, I have Commandments.
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
Honor thy Father and Mother.
Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
I have Commandments.
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said Thou shall not steal.
Not steal? We’re not interested.
Then He went to the French and said,
I have Commandments.
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
Thou shall not commit adultery.
Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
I have Commandments..
Commandments?’ They said, How much are they?
We’ll take 10.
There, that should offend just about everybody.
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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochialSchool from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked:”Why Timothy?”
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!
*You know you’re going to pass it on to Catholic and non-Catholic friends like !*
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I was born in one country, raised in another.
My father was born in another country.
I was not his only child.
He fathered several children with numerous women.
I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.
Although my father deserted me and my mother raised me, I later wrote a book idolizing my father, not my mother.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
My birth records were sketchy.
No one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my new country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and didn’t follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and embarked on a new career.
I wrote a book about my struggles growing up.
It was clear to those who read my memoirs, that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics in my 30′s then, with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40′s.
They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization.
Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me, as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances.
This bolstered my ego.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country’s foreign policy…
I was very critical of my country in the last war, and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country’s economy.
I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better, and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.
I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess.
It was the free market, banks and corporations.
I decided to start making citizens hate them and, if they became envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
I called mine “A People’s Campaign.”
That sounded good to all people.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.
I knew that, if I merely offered the people ‘hope’, together we could change our country and the world..
So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include “persecuted minorities”.
My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation’s leader.
I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I’m glad they didn’t.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world.
And then the world learned the truth.
Who am I?
If you were thinking of SOMEONE ELSE, you should be scared, very scared!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
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WRITTEN BY A 21 YEAR OLD FEMALE.
Wow, this girl has a great plan! Love the last thing she would do the best.
This was written by a 21 year old female who gets it. It’s her future she’s worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she’s being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX , Nov 18, 2011.
PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .
Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal legations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.
In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good..”
Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self-esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
AND while you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.
In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes. Here is his answer which made him receive an invitation to dine with the Queen. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.
His final question was this…. How to explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED .
Here is his astute answer …. when you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE, And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
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Just take 2 minutes (can’t even finish a cup of coffee in that time) and watch. Awesome.
- I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity . I can’t put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words ..
- They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
- PMS jokes aren’t funny, period .
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there’s no pop quiz.
- Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
- I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
- Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
- Velcro – what a rip off!
- Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
- Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
- Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
- Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
A lot is being said in the media about Mitt Romney not being “likable” or that he doesn’t “relate well” to people. Frankly, we struggled to understand why. So after much research, we have come up with a Top Ten List to explain this “unlikablility.”
Top Ten Reasons To Dislike Mitt Romney:
- Drop-dead, collar-ad handsome with gracious, statesmanlike aura. Looks like every central casting’s #1 choice for Commander-in-Chief.
- Been married to ONE woman his entire life, and has been faithful to her, including through her bouts with breast cancer and MS.
- No scandals or skeletons in his closet. (How boring is that?)
- Can’t speak in a fake, southern, “black preacher voice” when necessary.
- Highly intelligent. Graduated cum laude from both Harvard Law School and Harvard Business School…and by the way, his academic records are NOT sealed.
- Doesn’t smoke or drink alcohol, and has never done drugs, not even in the counter-culture age when he went to college. Too square for today’s America ?
- Represents an America of “yesterday”, where people believed in God, went to Church, didn’t screw around, worked hard, and became a SUCCESS!
- Has a family of five great sons….and none of them have police records or are in drug rehab. But of course, they were raised by a stay-at-home mom, and that “choice” deserves America ‘s scorn.
- Oh yes…..he’s a MORMON. We need to be very afraid of that very strange religion that teaches its members to be clean-living, patriotic, fiscally conservative, charitable, self-reliant, and honest.
- And one more point…..pundits say because of his wealth, he can’t relate to ordinary Americans. I guess that’s because he made that money HIMSELF…..as opposed to marrying it or inheriting it from Dad. Apparently, he didn’t understand that actually working at a job and earning your own money made you unrelatable to Americans. My goodness, it’s a strange world, isn’t it?
His full Name is: Willard Mitt Romney
He was Born: March 12, 1947 and is 65 years old.
His Father: George W. Romney, former Governor of the State of Michigan
He was raised in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
He is Married to Ann Romney since 1969; they have five children.
B. A. from Brigham Young University, J. D. and M.B.A. from Harvard University
Mormon – The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints
After high school, he spent 30 months in France as a Mormon missionary.
After going to both Harvard Business School and Harvard Law School simultaneously, he passed the Michigan bar exam, but never worked as an attorney.
In 1984, he co-founded Bain Capital a private equity investment firm, one of the largest such firms in the United States ..
In 1994, he ran for Senator of Massachusetts and lost to Ted Kennedy.
He was President and CEO of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games.
In 2002, he was elected Governor of the State of Massachusetts where he eliminated a 1.5 billion dollar deficit.
Some Interesting Facts about Romney:
Bain Capital, starting with one small office supply store in Massachusetts, turned it into Staples; now over 2,000 stores employing 90,000 people.
Bain Capital also worked to perform the same kinds of business miracles again and again, with companies like Domino’s, Sealy, Brookstone, Weather Channel, Burger King, Warner Music Group, Dollarama, Home Depot Supply and many others.
He was an unpaid volunteer campaign worker for his dad’s gubernatorial campaign 1 year.
He was an unpaid intern in his dad’s governor’s office for eight years.
He was an unpaid bishop and state president of his church for ten years.
He was an unpaid President of the Salt Lake Olympic Committee for three years.
He took no salary and was the unpaid Governor of Massachusetts for four years.
He gave his entire inheritance from his father to charity.
Mitt Romney is one of the wealthiest self-made men in our country but has given more back to its citizens in terms of money, service and time than most men.
And in 2011 Mitt Romney gave over $4 million to charity, almost 19% of his income….
Just for comparison purposes, Obama gave 1% and Joe Biden gave $300 or .0013%.
Mitt Romney is Trustworthy:
He will show us his high school and college transcripts.
He will show us his social security card.
He will show us his law degree.
He will show us his draft notice.
He will show us his medical records.
Mitt Romney’s background, experience and trustworthiness show him to be a great leader and an excellent citizen for President of the United States .
You may think that Romney may not be the best representative the Republicans could have selected. At least I know what religion he is, and that he won’t desecrate the flag, bow down to foreign powers, or practice fiscal irresponsibility. I know he has the ability to turn around this financial debacle that the current regime has gotten us into. We won’t like all the things necessary to recover from this debt, but someone with Romney’s background can do it.
But, on the minus side, he never was a “Community Organizer”, never took drugs or smoked pot, did not associate with communists or terrorists, nor did he attend a church whose pastor called for God to damn the US ..